7 Signs Your Little One Is Experiencing Separation Anxiety and What You Can Do To Help
I am a mother of three beautiful children and I truly believe they are a real blessing, but each child definitely had their moments where I was thinking WTF?! Some of those moments included separation anxiety, which I was not prepared for. Each child went through it at different times and for different reasons and with each one I felt like I didn’t know where my child ended and I began…
Are you feeling that way too? Does this sound similar to what you are going through right now or have gone through in the past? Don’t worry because I am here to help!
In this article, I want to address:
What separation anxiety is
Signs of separation anxiety
When it starts
How long it lasts
What you can do to help
When to contact a professional
If you need help getting your little one’s sleep on track, please check out the packages I have to offer! You don’t have to suffer in silence or struggle, I can help you and your little one get the sleep you both desperately need!
What Is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety happens when your little one gets upset, worried or anxious when you leave them. They get genuinely fearful that you will not come back to them and they experience an overwhelming sense of stress. Don’t worry though! This is a totally normal part of their learning and development and there is nothing wrong with your little one.
Before a little one discovers “object permanence” they think that if they can no longer see something, it ceases to exist. This can be hard for a little one to grasp. When they are left with another caregiver they may actually think you have left them forever and this is why they are so surprised and happy when you return (don’t worry, they are also happy because they love you).
Now, you’re probably wondering well how come my toddler is experiencing separation anxiety if they know I’ll come back? This is because separation anxiety happens for many reasons. They may be going through a developmental leap and this can cause them to be extra clingy, they may know you’ll come back but don’t know how long it will take or they may just feel like you should be the only one taking care of them - you have been this whole time, so why switch it up now?! They feel most secure, loved and safe with you and want to be with only you.. all.the.time.
Also, it is important to note that toddlers can really start to feel separation anxiety when big changes happen such as a new sibling is born or they start going to daycare. These changes are huge for them and it can take them a while to adjust, but just remember that it will pass and they will eventually get used to these changes.
7 Common Signs of Separation Anxiety
Little one’s who are experiencing separation anxiety tend to have a fear that their parent will leave them and not come back. As discussed, this can be due to a variety of reasons. Here is what the signs of separation anxiety look like:
Fearful upon meeting new people.
Clinging to you and/or crying in new environments
Refusing to settle for naps and/or bedtime
Demanding a parent stay with them to fall asleep
Crying when you leave them
Waking overnight and/or waking more often
2 years old or older: Experiencing nightmares about being alone/separation
When Does Separation Anxiety Start?
Separation anxiety usually starts around 6 months old and can continue on until 3 years old. But don’t worry - that doesn’t mean it will be 2 and a half years of constant separation anxiety issues. They will experience separation anxiety off and on during this time, with highs and lows in between.
How your child’s temperament is will also determine how intensely they experience separation anxiety. Some may go through it longer, some shorter. Some may experience it very intensely, some may not. Having experienced this myself with all three of my children, I can tell you it looked different for each one of them.
How Long Does Separation Anxiety Last?
Usually a newborn baby is totally fine being passed around for newborn cuddles and separation anxiety won’t start until they are a bit older. Once they have developed object permanence, around 6-8 months old, this can help ease separation anxiety a little bit. Unfortunately, developmental leaps can cause separation anxiety to peak which in turn makes your little one more clingy and cranky.
For example, sleep regressions can be a major cause of peaks in separation anxiety. The 8-10 month sleep regression, in particular, can be a rough one for many parents and little one’s. They may get extra clingy and cranky and even want you to stay with them for sleep.
A toddlers growth will start to slow down substantially, which means their sleep regressions can vary and happen at different times. One may go through a sleep regression at 15 months while another doesn’t experience it until 24 months, but they will all go through it eventually. A hard one for toddlers is the 18 month sleep regression which tends to cause separation anxiety to peak.
Therefore, how long separation anxiety lasts is different depending on your little one’s age. For younger babies, it usually lasts a week or two due to their fast paced development. Whereas, for a toddler who experiences slower development it can last up to a month.
What You Can Do To Help Ease Separation Anxiety For Your Little One
What can be done if your little one is experiencing separation anxiety, you ask? Well, you’re probably thinking: I’ll just never leave them - problem solved! Except it’s not solved because that is just not feasible. There will be times when you have to leave your little one for whatever reason: starting work, running errands, appointments… or you know, a little bit of time to yourself (we ALL need it, trust me)!
It can actually be a really good learning experience for your little one if you leave them with another caregiver, even if it is really hard to do so. They will learn that when we leave, we do come back, that other people can care for them too, they may learn how to do new skills from other children they are around, they will meet new people and explore new enviroments… and all of this is good for them!
Nonetheless, here are some ways you can support your little one with their separation anxiety:
Play peek-a-boo with babies or hide and seek with toddlers. This will help them to learn that even if you go away, you will come back.
Help them be more independent and explore your home with new items or unfamiliar environments.
Have your little one spend time alone in another room for short periods (like when you go to the bathroom, or grab a snack). Before you leave, tell them you are going to leave and why and then leave and come back.
Practice leaving them for short periods with a different caregiver, such as a short trip to the store.
Make any goodbyes short and sweet. Long, drawn out, emotional goodbyes will only make things harder on your little one - and you! So keep it short and sweet and even if they start crying, you still need to leave. That may sound harsh, but drawing the goodbye out will not help anyone involved and will only make things worse.
With a toddler, you can give them an estimate of when you will be back. They may not be able to tell time, but they usually have a good idea of what their routine is (if it’s consistent). You can tell them something like, “I’ll be back after lunchtime!”
Here are some tips for helping separation anxiety at bedtime:
Have a consistent bedtime routine. This can help your little one feel safe and secure and little one’s do much better when they have a consistent bedtime routine that they can expect and look forward to.
Give them a lovey, AKA stuffed animal, when they are old enough to have one (around 12 months old) for extra comfort during sleep. Bonus if you sleep with it first so that it smells like you!
Don’t let bedtime get too drawn out, especially with toddlers. Do the routine and put them to bed. If you don’t, it can become the norm and they will expect that all the time - especially during peaks of separation anxiety.
If they are having trouble resettling back to sleep at night, you can go in and touch to soothe them but don’t soothe them to sleep.
If your baby monitor has a talk back button, use that to soothe them without going in - unless it makes things worse.
When To Seek Professional Help
Separation anxiety is a normal part of your little one’s development, however if you feel that what they are experiencing is outside of the “norm” then it may be a good idea to seek professional advice.
If you experience any of the following, I suggest you contact your medical health professional for further help and advice:
Separation anxiety that hasn’t gone away for several weeks (or months for toddlers).
An intense amount of distress.
They can’t be calmed down after you leave them.
They are upset for long periods of time.
Any significant amount of distressing changes in their feeding, sleeping, toileting or general health.
If your little one is really struggling with being away from you, or you are struggling to be away from them, then it is wise to seek professional help. You don’t have to go through this alone!
If you liked this blog, please be sure to share it with other parents who may find it helpful. Spread the love! If you want more sleep tips and tricks from me, come join my sleep group called Sleep Little One where I give weekly sleep tips and advice to exhausted parents, like yourself, who are in need. I hope to see you there!!
If you’re looking for a more individualized 1:1 plan for your little one, I can help with that too! As mentioned above, I have some amazing packages I offer that are sure to suit your specific little one’s needs so that you can all get on the road to better sleep. Not only do I come up with a plan for your particular little one, but I also will be there to help you along the way with any issues that arise and to congratulate you when you succeed! I will help your little one start sleeping better, be your guide along the way and help you succeed on this sleep training journey so you always know what to do if future issues arise! So what are you waiting for? Let’s get you on the road to better sleep!
