How To Tell If You Have A Spirited Little One And What You Can Do About It

A “spirited” child is a subject that is rarely talked about and something that should have much more conversation around it. Spirited little ones are not bad children in any way, shape or form but they can definitely be more challenging. Parents who have spirited little ones are usually working overtime with them and this can lead to becoming exhausted, among other things. It is important to be able to tell if you have a spirited child and if you do it is wise to find out how you can deal with them in ways that make life much smoother.

In this blog, I discuss what a spirited child is, what you can do to manage them and how this pertains to sleep training. It is very important to remember that spirited little ones are the same as any other child, they just require a bit more attention but this doesn’t equal the situation being a bad thing! Once you learn how to better manage situations with your spirited little one, your life will get much easier!

What is a “spirited” child?

It is important to note that about 20-25% of all children are born spirited children. So you are most definitely not alone! A spirited little one means that their temperament is one that is high needs or fussy. Their behaviour can be very difficult, so parents may need to deal with it by giving them extra love, care and compassion. While temperament doesn’t change as your little one grows, it can become less difficult with age. Parents of spirited children need to know this: you are not responsible for your little one being spirited! This is how they were born and they will grow up and turn into wonderful adults one day - so don’t stress it! Make sure you are taking care of your own needs while managing your spirited baby. Your mental health and well-being is just as critical, so make sure to take time to meet those needs for yourself.

Here are some signs that you have a spirited child:

As a baby:

• Fussy

• Wants to be held constantly

• Doesn’t like being changed (diaper or clothing)

• Doesn’t feed well (nursing/bottle or spoon)

• Sleep training them is very challenging

• Gets bored/distracted easily

• Cries around new people or situations

• Unpredictable

• Cries for “no reason”

• Difficult to calm

As a toddler/preschooler:

• Has frequent mood swings

• Wants to do everything on their own (they are the boss)

• Has violent, long temper tantrums (can last up to an hour and are very intense - head banging, screaming, crying, hitting - it’s like they are in another world and can’t see or hear anything you say or do)

• Picky eater

• Wakes up unhappy from naps and night sleep

• Everyday is unpredictable

• Clingy in new situations or around new people

• Severe separation anxiety (from 1-5 years old)

• Restless sleeper: experience night terrors and nightmares often

• Daily activities such as brushing teeth, changing, putting on a seat belt, transitioning, mealtime, bath, etc., are challenging and difficult

How can I better manage my spirited child?

Managing a spirited child has it’s challenges, but if you can find ways that work for you then it can make life much easier. Some of the suggestions I have may work for you or they may not - it is important to try so that you can see what does work and what doesn’t and use the things that are helpful!

Keep them cognizant. With a spirited child, you will want to give them time to transition from one situation to the next. If you can let them know ahead of time what is coming, they will have a much easier time processing that which eases any anxiety they may feel about it. For example, you can let them know while you are reading a book before bed that you are going to brush your teeth after the book and then head to bed. Give them extra time to prepare for the transition from one activity to the next.

Give them extra love. Make sure to spend quality one-on-one time with your spirited child so that they can be sure the relationship with you will always be there, be meaningful and be trustworthy. If they like to play cars with you, then make sure to carve out that time with them so it’s always there.

Consistency is key. A spirited child does really well when they have a consistent day-to-day schedule that they follow on a regular basis. Make sure to have rules and limits with your child as well, explain them simply and directly and make sure to stick to them.

Validate their feelings and praise them when necessary. When your spirited child has a melt down, let them know you understand how they are feeling and ask them what you can do to help. When you have a baby, you can simply comfort them in ways that work for them and maybe distance yourself from the situatuon until you think they can mentally handle it. When they have done well in certain situations where they usually don’t do well - give them praise and be specific with it! This will help ensure that they want to do those behaviours again.

Let them help when they want to! If your little one would like to set the table, use the spoon on their own or put their own clothes on - let them! This will help with power struggles, but also ensures they learn how to do those things on their own, even if it gets a bit messy!

Don’t punish them for who they are. Spirited children may seem like they overreact to things, but they just need help regulating their very strong emotions and feelings. This isn’t something that deserves punishment. Instead you can proactively model what it looks like to express feelings of anger, sadness or frustration.

How does this pertain to sleep training?

Spirited children typically do not do well with sleep training because they are very persistent and don’t give up easily. In this case, sleep training methods such as CIO or Extinction will simply not work. It will make things much, much harder on you and your little one. It is easier to use a gentler, more reactive approach when you are working with a spirited child.

Types of sleep training that work for spirited children include:

For babies:

• The 5 S’s

• Shush/Pat

• Pick Up/Put Down

• Rocking, Patting, Back Rubs

• Chair in Room

• Ferber (Quick Checks)

• “Camp out”

For toddlers/school age:

• “The Kissing Game”

• “Post It Game”

• Also, some of the sleep training methods listed above will work - dependent on your child’s age and temperament

Spirited children can most definitely be demanding, but they can also be so very amazing as well! When they laugh, they do it full-bellied and most people can’t help but laugh too or even smile when they hear them. These types of children are not a burden and they are not difficult on purpose, so when we can be compassionate towards them this can lead to connection with them. What does connection lead to? It leads to much calmer situations because your little one feels heard, understood and loved!

If you liked this blog, be sure to share it with other parents who may have a spirited little one and need help! In order to get more free advice like this you can join my group on Facebook called Sleep Little One where I give free weekly tips and advice to exhausted and overwhelmed parents just like you! I hope to see you over there!

If you would like a more personalized, 1:1 sleep plan to help get your little one sleeping better then check out the Packages I offer and then send me an email to get started on the road back to better sleep!